Raindrops dance on my shoulders
as the fires inside of me
begin to smoulder.
Distraction is an amazing thing. Hayley 2014
Recently, I was assisting on a sexological bodywork training. As part of the coaching team, we spent time noticing what my facilitator coined as "our grain of sand." Grains of sand are essentially our distractions. Distractions are everywhere. They limit us in our experience. I see it in often in dating. When I go on a date and meet someone for the first time, I can have a number of heightened alerts that are ready to tell me whether or not I want to interact with a human. However these are not really indicators of desire but rather old habits I have developed around my preferences which can quite often be linked to our early years. So, if I am not aware, if I move too fast, instead of enjoying a moment with someone, my coloured glasses of expectation lead me down a familiar path. This is quite often not very useful.
What are distractions?
Well for me it’s anything that pulls you out of a moment. It stops you enjoying, learning, trying, failing, succeeding, doing your best, doing what you want and especially having pleasure. They take from you living your life in some way. For example, you know that class you thought about trying but never got around to, distractions did that. What about wanting put your website/blog/video/workshop out online but you feel it’s not yet perfect? Distraction. Eating the sugary treat that upsets you belly rather than cooking yourself that delicious meal. Distraction. Your phone. A distraction. The judge in you. Distraction. I can’t be bothered or the down right resistant part of you. Distraction. The brains negative bias. A distraction. Preferences. A distraction. Habit to say NO. Distraction. Habit to say YES. Distraction. The I can’t be bothered to go on dating apps cause I never meet anyone I like, yet wanting a lover, sex or a companion in your life… Distraction. They are all distractions.
How do they affect us?
What I noticed about them is that they are familiar stories that played out in my head. These stories or states would take me out of my primary consciousness and into a secondary one. Primary consciousness refers to the moment we are in the experience. We feel what we are experiencing, integrating it into our memory so we bring awareness to the present and immediate past moments. In the secondary consciousness this is where we start to reflect, examine, analyse, compare and contrast what we are experiencing. We draw from the past, we have concern about the future. We no longer are experiencing but rather thinking about the experience.
How do I recognise and work with distraction?
There are few ways to take time to notice. Here are a few tips when working with them.
Recognising distractions for what they are can be a game changer. Instead of getting stuck in distractions, they become indicators of new learnings, new possibilities, new ways to be in the world. The uncomfortable is where change happens, not when we are sitting back in our familiar comforts.
I recently went on a date with a potential lover. They disclosed having asperges to me prior to meeting. On the first date I was often totally confused. This would normally distract me. I’d be saying things definitely not sleeping with this human to myself. So instead I took it really slow. I watched the alerts in my body came up. I breathed. I asked them what their intention was for the evening. I listened and took it in. I noticed in my body what I was available for and told them. While this was not everything they desired it allowed time for connection. My next interaction I told them I had been confused many times on our first meeting. They said that was not uncommon. They also mentioned modifying their behaviour to which I asked that they did not. I would just voice it if I did not understand or needed clarification. And so I did often and it felt amazing to just say it. This lead to a very delicious evening indeed. Something that was unexpected.
If you need a cheerleader to support you through your distractions, click the link below to chat with me about how I can help you through erotic distractions.
Photo by Sarah Dorweiler on Unsplash
It was one of those weeks. You know when stuff happens in 3s. It feels like it comes from no where and you’re just left wondering what the universe was trying to tell you.
I had one of those weeks a while back. Everything was just busy and I had no room for down time. My 3s came in the form of injuries. The first two happened a day a part; both unexpected and surprising. They left me bewildered. The first came as a kick to the face and I received a busted lip. The following injury occurred when a human fell on my leg leaving me with pain in my knee and difficulty walking. I pined for support from my long distance boyfriend in Germany but got no sympathy. I felt the feeling of being unsupported eating me up inside. I felt so deflated.
Two days on, I started an orgasmic yoga practice. This was the beginning of my sexological bodywork training. In my first practice, I remember not feeling aroused at all. I was experiencing deep sadness in my body as my hands connected to my heart and genitals. I lay there and let myself cry the tears that were patiently waiting to come out. I embraced all the pain I felt. As I released my resistance to all these overwhelming sensations, I saw I was just in my own way. I had been all week. Something changed. I was noticing a shift. This permission I gave to release surprisingly turned into pleasure. Like a trickle from a waterfall, it rose within. I found it easier to breath. I let go to this new arrival with delight.
I continued this practice daily. The more I pleasured, the more my body craved it. The waterfall began to flow. I felt like my body was saying “Is it time yet?” The child inside me came alive. Each daily practice looked very different. Despite ritually playing a set playlist, using oil, starting with my hands on my heart and genitals and breathing, something new would always arise. l observed what I noticed. My emotions, sensations, connections to various parts of the body and intentions would vary. However what remained was this deepening of relationship to myself and the potential for pleasure in all of my body.
A week on and the number 3 happened. I fell off my bike. I WAS lucky. As I hit the bitumen of a major road, I only cut my knee and scrapped my hands. I hobbled on to my bike and rode a bit dazed to work. Upon arrival, walking through the doors of the studio, both teachers looked at me, eyes filled with disbelief. They both boldly said “You can’t work in that state.” I noticed the concern of my fellow colleagues were showing was noticeably stronger than what I felt for myself. One teacher took my classes (these were specialised classes so quite fortunate to have her there). The other teacher offered me a lift but I had asked a friend to come with a ute so I could take my bike home as well.
My ute driving friend grabbed supplies stopping for food, wound cleaning products and bandages. While on my way home, an ex lover from a year ago text me. He asked how I was. I sent a picture of my knee and said what had happened. He being a nurse replied, “You need stitches, I can come to you.” Despite my resistance to needles, the nurse lover insisted and came to stitch me up (no pain relief but totally manageable to my surprise). So here I was in my bedroom with two people taking care of me. My work was covered without effort so I didn't have to teach. I was feeling good. I wondered what had changed. Where was all this support coming from and why was it not here last week.
To me this story emphasised two factors that weren't present at the time of the initial injuries. Firstly, the healing capacity of self nurturing. Nurturing thy self. When I took care of myself, others mirrored that to me. If I didn’t, then I felt the opposite. How often do we talk about doing it, we think about doing it, feel guilty about it and punish ourselves for not doing it but when we do, self nurturing feels so good. Yet, as this story highlights, it doesn’t just feel good, erotic self nurturing actually changes the way in which life interacts with you.
Secondly, the power of erotic play. Our erotic energy is creative life force. It’s a way to manifest in life. We all have it and are born with it. It even has the potential to create life itself. As an empowering life tool, we need to cultivate it. By adding mindfulness to the mix, we enhance the potential power we have. Mindful self pleasure or orgasmic yoga (OY) as coined by Joseph Kramer has the capacity to rewire our brains. Cultivating an OY toolkit, it encourages the practitioner to savour, to connect to the sensations within the body and in my case created a space to release the emotional charges I felt inside. OY not only increases the capacity for pleasure within us but shines that light outwardly reflecting back that same care we are cultivating within. It gives us agency and can change our interaction with life as we know it. This beauty shines back exactly what we create within.