Distractions...

Raindrops dance on my shoulders
as the fires inside of me
begin to smoulder.

Distraction is an amazing thing.  Hayley 2014

Recently, I was assisting on a sexological bodywork training.  As part of the coaching team, we spent time noticing what my facilitator coined as "our grain of sand."  Grains of sand are essentially our distractions.  Distractions are everywhere. They limit us in our experience.  I see it in often in dating.  When I go on a date and meet someone for the first time, I can have a number of heightened alerts that are ready to tell me whether or not I want to interact with a human.  However these are not really indicators of desire but rather old habits I have developed around my preferences which can quite often be linked to our early years.  So, if I am not aware, if I move too fast, instead of enjoying a moment with someone, my coloured glasses of expectation lead me down a familiar path.  This is quite often not very useful. 

What are distractions?  

Well for me it’s anything that pulls you out of a moment.  It stops you enjoying, learning, trying, failing, succeeding, doing your best, doing what you want and especially having pleasure.  They take from you living your life in some way.  For example, you know that class you thought about trying but never got around to, distractions did that.  What about wanting put your website/blog/video/workshop out online but you feel it’s not yet perfect?  Distraction.    Eating the sugary treat that upsets you belly rather than cooking yourself that delicious meal.  Distraction.  Your phone.  A distraction.  The judge in you.  Distraction.  I can’t be bothered or the down right resistant part of you.  Distraction.  The brains negative bias.  A distraction.  Preferences.  A distraction.  Habit to say NO.  Distraction.  Habit to say YES. Distraction. The I can’t be bothered to go on dating apps cause I never meet anyone I like, yet wanting a lover, sex or a companion in your life… Distraction.  They are all distractions.  

How do they affect us?

What I noticed about them is that they are familiar stories that played out in my head.  These stories or states would take me out of my primary consciousness and into a secondary one.  Primary consciousness refers to the moment we are in the experience.  We feel what we are experiencing, integrating it into our memory so we bring awareness to the present and immediate past moments.  In the secondary consciousness this is where we start to reflect, examine, analyse, compare and contrast what we are experiencing.  We draw from the past, we have concern about the future.  We no longer are experiencing but rather thinking about the experience.  

How do I recognise and work with distraction?

There are few ways to take time to notice.  Here are a few tips when working with them.

• Stop, notice your breath, notice what is your body are sitting on or connected to.  Bring awareness to your belly.  Keep doing this until you notice a shift in your state.  Then notice sensations that are inside you.  Sensations are often indicators of something to notice.  Distractions are letting us know something is going on.  So when you feel something amiss, check back in.
• Get curious.  Get curious about the sensation you feel in your body at the moment of distraction.  Name where it is in your body.  Describe it with words like buzzing, heavy, light, tingles, swirling etc.  Being in your body brings you back to primary consciousness.  Naming sensations first without attaching emotion to it helps to not fall into habits around emotions we feel.  We have preferences about what emotions are acceptable or not. 
• The thought.  Have you seen that kind of thought before?  Is it a judgement about other or yourself?  Is it doubt?  Is it shame or guilt?  Does this thought spin and create certain types of sensations we might link to feeling anxious.  
• Giggle at yourself.  I like to say things like, “oh here is Judge Judy, what she worried about?” “Look here I am going again on my mind’s merry go round, let’s check back in to my body and see what am I  concerned about.”
• Welcome that part of you.  Once upon a time that part you was necessary.  It now has become a habit.  The adult you just wants to chose when this part is useful in showing up.  
• Name it out loud.  To yourself.  To the person involved or a person I would term as your “cheerleader”.  A cheer leader is someone who you can be all of you.  They may be someone who loves you and wants the best for you.  It might be a good friend or a therapist or somatic sex coach.  It can be someone who knows you and can get curious with you about your choices. I have a great friend and coach who will say, “I am curious what ….. would look like for Nirvana,” or “I notice a sensation in my chest when I heard you say …., what are you noticing?”
• Check in to what that part of you needs.  Is it acknowledgement?  Is it breath?  Is it movement?  Is it supported touch?  Is it making sound?  Is it doing all these things while being witnessed.  
• Give it time.  Give yourself space.
• When you feel ready, return to your initial activity.  Notice what sensations are present.  Has the sensation shifted?  Do you need more time?  What can you do to support yourself?  Do you need to ask for support?  Do you need to adjust the activity into increments?
• And if you wait long enough to just be with this distraction, there is often an amazing learning potential that unfolds.
  

Recognising distractions for what they are can be a game changer.  Instead of getting stuck in distractions, they become indicators of new learnings, new possibilities, new ways to be in the world.  The uncomfortable is where change happens, not when we are sitting back in our familiar comforts.

I recently went on a date with a potential lover.  They disclosed having asperges to me prior to meeting.  On the first date I was often totally confused. This would normally distract me.  I’d be saying things definitely not sleeping with this human to myself.  So instead I took it really slow.  I watched the alerts in my body came up.  I breathed. I asked them what their intention was for the evening.  I listened and took it in.  I noticed in my body what I was available for and told them.  While this was not everything they desired it allowed time for connection.  My next interaction I told them I had been confused many times on our first meeting.  They said that was not uncommon.  They also mentioned modifying their behaviour to which I asked that they did not.  I would just voice it if I did not understand or needed clarification.  And so I did often and it felt amazing to just say it.  This lead to a very delicious evening indeed.  Something that was unexpected.  

If you need a cheerleader to support you through your distractions, click the link below to chat with me about how I can help you through erotic distractions.

Photo by Sarah Dorweiler on Unsplash

Distraction Coaching