Raindrops dance on my shoulders
as the fires inside of me
begin to smoulder.
Distraction is an amazing thing. Hayley 2014
Recently, I was assisting on a sexological bodywork training. As part of the coaching team, we spent time noticing what my facilitator coined as "our grain of sand." Grains of sand are essentially our distractions. Distractions are everywhere. They limit us in our experience. I see it in often in dating. When I go on a date and meet someone for the first time, I can have a number of heightened alerts that are ready to tell me whether or not I want to interact with a human. However these are not really indicators of desire but rather old habits I have developed around my preferences which can quite often be linked to our early years. So, if I am not aware, if I move too fast, instead of enjoying a moment with someone, my coloured glasses of expectation lead me down a familiar path. This is quite often not very useful.
What are distractions?
Well for me it’s anything that pulls you out of a moment. It stops you enjoying, learning, trying, failing, succeeding, doing your best, doing what you want and especially having pleasure. They take from you living your life in some way. For example, you know that class you thought about trying but never got around to, distractions did that. What about wanting put your website/blog/video/workshop out online but you feel it’s not yet perfect? Distraction. Eating the sugary treat that upsets you belly rather than cooking yourself that delicious meal. Distraction. Your phone. A distraction. The judge in you. Distraction. I can’t be bothered or the down right resistant part of you. Distraction. The brains negative bias. A distraction. Preferences. A distraction. Habit to say NO. Distraction. Habit to say YES. Distraction. The I can’t be bothered to go on dating apps cause I never meet anyone I like, yet wanting a lover, sex or a companion in your life… Distraction. They are all distractions.
How do they affect us?
What I noticed about them is that they are familiar stories that played out in my head. These stories or states would take me out of my primary consciousness and into a secondary one. Primary consciousness refers to the moment we are in the experience. We feel what we are experiencing, integrating it into our memory so we bring awareness to the present and immediate past moments. In the secondary consciousness this is where we start to reflect, examine, analyse, compare and contrast what we are experiencing. We draw from the past, we have concern about the future. We no longer are experiencing but rather thinking about the experience.
How do I recognise and work with distraction?
There are few ways to take time to notice. Here are a few tips when working with them.
Recognising distractions for what they are can be a game changer. Instead of getting stuck in distractions, they become indicators of new learnings, new possibilities, new ways to be in the world. The uncomfortable is where change happens, not when we are sitting back in our familiar comforts.
I recently went on a date with a potential lover. They disclosed having asperges to me prior to meeting. On the first date I was often totally confused. This would normally distract me. I’d be saying things definitely not sleeping with this human to myself. So instead I took it really slow. I watched the alerts in my body came up. I breathed. I asked them what their intention was for the evening. I listened and took it in. I noticed in my body what I was available for and told them. While this was not everything they desired it allowed time for connection. My next interaction I told them I had been confused many times on our first meeting. They said that was not uncommon. They also mentioned modifying their behaviour to which I asked that they did not. I would just voice it if I did not understand or needed clarification. And so I did often and it felt amazing to just say it. This lead to a very delicious evening indeed. Something that was unexpected.
If you need a cheerleader to support you through your distractions, click the link below to chat with me about how I can help you through erotic distractions.
Photo by Sarah Dorweiler on Unsplash