Mirror Mirror on the WALL
It was one of those weeks. You know when stuff happens in 3s. It feels like it comes from no where and you’re just left wondering what the universe was trying to tell you.
I had one of those weeks a while back. Everything was just busy and I had no room for down time. My 3s came in the form of injuries. The first two happened a day a part; both unexpected and surprising. They left me bewildered. The first came as a kick to the face and I received a busted lip. The following injury occurred when a human fell on my leg leaving me with pain in my knee and difficulty walking. I pined for support from my long distance boyfriend in Germany but got no sympathy. I felt the feeling of being unsupported eating me up inside. I felt so deflated.
Two days on, I started an orgasmic yoga practice. This was the beginning of my sexological bodywork training. In my first practice, I remember not feeling aroused at all. I was experiencing deep sadness in my body as my hands connected to my heart and genitals. I lay there and let myself cry the tears that were patiently waiting to come out. I embraced all the pain I felt. As I released my resistance to all these overwhelming sensations, I saw I was just in my own way. I had been all week. Something changed. I was noticing a shift. This permission I gave to release surprisingly turned into pleasure. Like a trickle from a waterfall, it rose within. I found it easier to breath. I let go to this new arrival with delight.
I continued this practice daily. The more I pleasured, the more my body craved it. The waterfall began to flow. I felt like my body was saying “Is it time yet?” The child inside me came alive. Each daily practice looked very different. Despite ritually playing a set playlist, using oil, starting with my hands on my heart and genitals and breathing, something new would always arise. l observed what I noticed. My emotions, sensations, connections to various parts of the body and intentions would vary. However what remained was this deepening of relationship to myself and the potential for pleasure in all of my body.
A week on and the number 3 happened. I fell off my bike. I WAS lucky. As I hit the bitumen of a major road, I only cut my knee and scrapped my hands. I hobbled on to my bike and rode a bit dazed to work. Upon arrival, walking through the doors of the studio, both teachers looked at me, eyes filled with disbelief. They both boldly said “You can’t work in that state.” I noticed the concern of my fellow colleagues were showing was noticeably stronger than what I felt for myself. One teacher took my classes (these were specialised classes so quite fortunate to have her there). The other teacher offered me a lift but I had asked a friend to come with a ute so I could take my bike home as well.
My ute driving friend grabbed supplies stopping for food, wound cleaning products and bandages. While on my way home, an ex lover from a year ago text me. He asked how I was. I sent a picture of my knee and said what had happened. He being a nurse replied, “You need stitches, I can come to you.” Despite my resistance to needles, the nurse lover insisted and came to stitch me up (no pain relief but totally manageable to my surprise). So here I was in my bedroom with two people taking care of me. My work was covered without effort so I didn't have to teach. I was feeling good. I wondered what had changed. Where was all this support coming from and why was it not here last week.
To me this story emphasised two factors that weren't present at the time of the initial injuries. Firstly, the healing capacity of self nurturing. Nurturing thy self. When I took care of myself, others mirrored that to me. If I didn’t, then I felt the opposite. How often do we talk about doing it, we think about doing it, feel guilty about it and punish ourselves for not doing it but when we do, self nurturing feels so good. Yet, as this story highlights, it doesn’t just feel good, erotic self nurturing actually changes the way in which life interacts with you.
Secondly, the power of erotic play. Our erotic energy is creative life force. It’s a way to manifest in life. We all have it and are born with it. It even has the potential to create life itself. As an empowering life tool, we need to cultivate it. By adding mindfulness to the mix, we enhance the potential power we have. Mindful self pleasure or orgasmic yoga (OY) as coined by Joseph Kramer has the capacity to rewire our brains. Cultivating an OY toolkit, it encourages the practitioner to savour, to connect to the sensations within the body and in my case created a space to release the emotional charges I felt inside. OY not only increases the capacity for pleasure within us but shines that light outwardly reflecting back that same care we are cultivating within. It gives us agency and can change our interaction with life as we know it. This beauty shines back exactly what we create within.
Nirvana Pilkington is a sexological bodyworker, yoga teacher and acroyogi.